The Struggle of “I”

So many things come to mind as I’m sitting here pondering how to start off my blog. Do I just dive into the current weather, the overall mood of the season, social angst, advice about something, where I’m at in life, where I’ve been, where I want to go?! I have so many ideas… but where do I start?? 

Well, something I have been trying to focus on this past year is, honestly, just myself. I understand how selfish that may sound but it doesn’t always have to be. For as long as I can remember, I have found it EXTREMELY difficult to put myself first, in almost any situation. I’m the oldest of four children, with a nineteen year old sister and a brother and sister (twins) who are fifteen. I definitely gained experience with being bossy – maybe too bossy at times – but excluding tv choices and which park we played at, I rarely put my wants/needs ahead of theirs. I learned to put what I wanted aside because if they didn’t get their way they would cry, scream or just cause a ruckus somewhere else in the house. Now, I don’t want it to sound like I’m blaming them in any way because I could not imagine my life without them in it – I am who I am because of them.

I’m the type of person that will drop what I’m doing when I receive a text or call from someone about something that’s bothering them – even if we haven’t spoken in days, weeks, or months. I’m the type of person who may not talk to you everyday but is willing to catch up and talk about life anytime, anywhere. I’m the type of person who can truly tell when someone needs space to do their own thing or when they’re just pushing people away. I’m the type of person to sit in a car and vent about boys, girls, families, etc. without there being a moment of awkwardness. I’m the type of person who’s empathetic enough not to tell you the advice you want to hear, but the advice that I think is truly the most beneficial for you and your situation. Being there for someone when they feel alone can make such a difference in your relationship with them. I love being able to help people out in that way. Unfortunately, I don’t quite know when to stop and take time for myself. Well, I do now but it’s still not easy because sometimes I feel like the people that I care about are being let down.

There have been a lot of changes in my life this past year. I started a new job as a legal assistant at a firm I hadn’t even heard of before. I got out of a long-term relationship because it felt like we were roommates with opposite personalities and different ideas of the future. I felt things would only work if I changed who I was and I already had, a lot. I slept on my mom’s couch for almost four months, on the opposite side of town from where I work. Granted, she had a bedroom for me in the basement but once you’ve moved out of your parents’ house, it’s nearly impossible to move back in and feel comfortable – especially when there are three younger siblings running around. I now live in my own apartment, close enough to my job that I could walk. I am also in a relationship with someone new and I could talk about it endlessly. I’m sure some people thought it was “too soon” but you can’t help how you feel about someone, nor would I have wanted to. He cherishes me in a way that I only thought was possible in movies or books. He always listens to what I have to say, even when I’m not talking. He makes sure we don’t ever say “goodbye” or “goodnight” if there is something wrong. Honestly, he’s made it known that I’m not only a priority in his life, but also the importance of being a priority in my own life. I could not be more grateful for that alone. 

I have learned this year that I deserve to choose myself sometimes. I have learned that I am worthy of real and true love. I have learned that I deserve to be happy. What I’m still learning is that taking time for myself doesn’t mean that I’m selfish – it means I’m reflecting self-love, which is something everyone deserves.

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One thought on “The Struggle of “I”

  1. Hi. I’m Esther, and welcome to the blog sphere. I think it’s good that you’ve decided to focus more on yourself. Sometimes we can get so carried away that we become to be the image of what people want us to be, not what we really want to be.

    Welcome to the blog sphere. I hope you are able to achieve what you want from it.

    Liked by 1 person

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